Thursday, October 28, 2004
Yoyo..check it out..
(>.<)*here typing..i can feel the pain of my 'somehow-broken fingers' coz the pain was so excruciating as that of a broken finger.*
Staying at home every single day, all i could do is only rot.
To me, everyday is like a nitemare, when will it ever end~
Perhaps...that's the reason why i dun watch horror movies so often these days..staying at home is more of a horror for me..
I dunno wad happened to her...POSSESSED???OR HER SCREW HAS TURNED LOOSE?? or was it..me..that really drive her insane?
i really dunno wad i have done..i have no idea..I hates to go out. Coz..$$ has to be spent.
I would feel guilty if i were to spend money juz like that if i have not work hard for anything at all..And staying in that nothing but empty shell..was really horrible..I really hate it~
Things has started to turn worse ever since my holidays has juz started..She was alredi weird enuff...and now..She is more eccentric as compared to the past..Yesh...she did used violence...but that's not the part that i really cared..it's..her insanity..i was wondering.."Was it insanity or is it that she's suffering frm depression??"But...wait..wad depression is there?? I nv fail my tests..i nv do anything that is astrocious..BUT WAD??
I shed tears not for the physical pain that she has given to me, but the pain that is within my heart~ Is she really my mum?? What am i supposed to do?? How can i help her or defend for myself?
I noe one of the reasons why she hated me to the core...is i used too much laptop??Play the games too long?? But other than this, wad more can i do? i couldnt play keyboard all the time..I will dozing off if i start reading a book..
Yeah~ i muz admit..There's a period that i really have suspicions and doubts of whether she is my real mother. becoz..2 bros->'O' type blood, the 2 parents-->both 'A' type blood...And me???I am 'B' type blood!!Yeah...that was alredi in the past..That was the time when i tested my blood during the process of making an IC.
I tried to stay away frm home..Yes..go to my frens' house. But it was still early..and there comes the arrival of her vulgarities and 'chee byes' on the phone..and" U'RE GONNA GET IT WHEN U'RE BACK!" , or psycho my dad to raise his voice at me.. he wasnt like this in the past..
he used to shield me alot..give me dolls or wadever..or rather..in another phrase..he used to dote on me really alot..but now..the way he look at me..was those kind of look as if he has saw a monsta..
2nd attempt to stay away frm that empty shell or 'hellish place':
find a job~
after i told her abt the job i intend to take on. She had alot of qns. Yeah that was normal..But as to forbidding me to do any jobs..That was really out of the qns..that's very unreasonable and demanding of her..My bills??Will she pay for me??I am not like those kids..whose papa n mama give them wadever amt they wan..pay their bills, let them be carefree..that's "dream-on" n "fat hope" for me.My specs..Router..and most of the stuff?? i pay my own!
there is a line..which my bro said..to defend for himself.."U think U R THOSE PARENTS AROUND?? GIVING THEM $600 A MONTH?? SPEND ON WADEVER THEY LIKE? NO! U R NOT! U THINK U R DOING ALOT BUT NO! FOR UR CHILDREN, THEY CAN ONLY SPEND WAD THEY HAF! WAD CAN WE DO? SPEND WAD WE EARN! WE R NV DEMANDING ANYTHING FRM U..AND U R ..."
Juz a word frm u , and u will get a slap. No word, also a free tight slap.
Everyday was the same..U wake up early..sweep the floor.
If still sleeping, a ferocious GODZILLA will come and wake u up.
yeah..of coz..u wake up being speechless..u dun tok eh?
But wad? She alredi started scolding out of the blue..raking the past..predicting the faults that u r definiely not gonna to make...and started laying a finger on U!
Oh GosH! She's really more than a monsta..No one can really beat her for dat...No acting is required..And the OSCAR AWARD for the godzilla part~ is solely heRs..
Having done nth is a mistake. Do sth she will nag at u for those 'predicted-faults'
Sometimes of those unreasonable tight slaps..u will feel like giving her one in return.
but wad would be the circumstances?
->Ur Arms Will Be choppeD Off!!
So i decided not to touch her at all.
Having a consideration of hiring a part-time killeR?
>.<
I'd had enuff of her.. i juz wanna it end..
She even said that she nv regard eileen as her daughter."If i can give birth to u, i can kill u as well."
Me also likewise.. = )
Either i perish` or u die..
I wish i nv had stepped on this world at all~
Then i would nv noe that the world is darK...
At least preserve some mysteries of the eartH...
And make it unknown..
I've decided..
thank u for wad u have done to me= )
like all children of the parents..
They will give back their parents in return wad their parents gave to them..
I shall remember...u...even till the daY that i die..
I WILL GIVE U DOUBLE of wad u haf given to me>.<
As ur reward...Juz sit bacK and relaX..and watcH ouT..
And dun worry..ur "rewards" will come to u ...someday..
~SmilE AlwayS~
*How to look on the brighT side of life when the world is always so dark...*
- evileen
Friday, October 15, 2004
Time flies..It's alredi thursday...And yet nth goes inside my brain.
Ever since i woke up this morning..I feel that my heart has stopped beating..
Yesh...It will eventually stop beating when i am "dead", if i dun work doubly hard now.
I have decided, to really "FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS!BE ON THE THE RIGHT TRACK! DUN BE MYOPIC!", yeah~ an extract from Mrs Poh?
Just played a couple of songs this morning...muahahha!! "Super Drive" & "Qing tian" just hoping to motivate myself for the daY= )
Yesh!! GambatE! i can concentrate de>.<
Tata^_^
- evileen
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
As long we have memories, yesterday remains; as long as we have hope, tomorrow awaits. As long as we have friendship, each day is never a waste...= )
- evileen
Monday, October 11, 2004
OMG!!!It's Monday! Have you heard it right? Yes! It's already MONDAY!!!
Gosh...Monday is always the beginning and start of the last week that we can actually study...Oh god..Time is running out..And yet I'm now still finding ways on how I can start my engine,,
The nightmares awaits...
And this reminds me of...
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
When I was in both Primary and Secondary School..I usd to have a kind of phobia...which haunts me every night..Nonono...It's not horror movies or nightmares..(infact, i luv horror, not the "too sudden" type ok?)
It's....the "have-i-done-the-homework"-phobia>.<
Every night when i sleep...i see you...i feel you...
Yeah~i feel it everynight...even if i've finsihed my hw long ago..I will still think, think , and THINK! I will keep thinking to myself, "Have i finished my hw..?" Yeah..i dun play much in the past...but whenever i got "something" to play, i will see my timetable, check the bag, pack many many times! And also in the late night, you will see someone jump out of the bed, out of the blue, and in another moment, she will be opening her school bag, and check if everything is "ready".
Although this is being careful overboard but, she will always be mistaken whenever she is "discovered" for her mum will always ask,"&$^&&^%&F***You nv finish hw is it???What have you been doing the whole day?! WHY NV DO??YOU WILL GET SOMETHING FROM ME LATER!"Aiya..of coz not a present or food..Chao keuy tiao?? hahaha..
But now i am not as paranoid ass b4. infact i feel that i'm more playful nowLast time my koR play RO too..but isnce the RO payment system has started, he stopped playing..the last time he plaed was the time when i gave him starter kit points...oh god...he nearly cry when my aunt close the game..coz he thought he couldnt log in again le and the point from me ma= )
After playing RO for some time and also becausewe fight for the one n only desktop com to play "that time", he threatened me that he will blurt the truth out that the Ro i am playing all the while nd to pay$$ to my mum.= ( so bad eh..so i let him use the com frm then on~
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
haiz..too much of RO ...has become part and routine of my life le..LoLx..Eevryday must log in the game and see my beloved mage...(a-wiz-to-be) I CANT LIVE WITHOUT IT!my frens inside can kacau ma...muahahhahaha...
aha..yesterdae urged by some of my classmates--->>(the universe) to go out watch movies...hahah..very tempting u noe..saying "no" is so hard..lolx.(srry to all in msn, coz i kept dc-ing and i feel it quite a hasslefor u all to add me back in again and again repeatedly...that's why i say dn add me back and i exit msn when i dc again)
Now..i'm right now writing this and studying at the same time..Even though I will try to "quarantine" myself at home..But right here, i feel as if i am in a zoo..Whaha!! There's dinosaur, elephant, piggie, doggies, bears, lions, kolar, rabbits, polar bear, orang utan, goat, birds.....and etc.., with me!! HaHa..not alone now. They're here to brave through all "temptations" with me!
Every weekend....my koR will return home frm his hostel...
~The Return Of The EviL BaBooN~
noe wad he will do???throw all the animals at me and aim my lappY!oh...gosh..especiallY the big beaR..it's really..."frightening"..once it landed on my keypad it will spoil!!and after all the throwings, u can see i am surrounded with all the "animals"SO CRAMP DOWN THERE!!:S
Haha.."i feel good..~~~"after toking crap for a moment whaha!!
Universe Jie Mei Men studY harD! jiayoU le! gambate!!!!= )
And also, special thanks to Jerry whom i requested u to bot for me24 hrs today. Stop me from logging in the game!! whahahahh!!
~Smile Always~= )
- evileen
Friday, October 08, 2004
Starry Nitez, Starry BrighT...
First Wish I Make Tonite...
Wish I May..Wish I MighT..
Get To StudY ReallYHarD TonitE...
- evileen
Thursday, October 07, 2004
Hahaz..we came to school early in the morning...i was the one who suggested the idea of going to school early and do homework together...>.<>.<
hahaz..nv intended to do anything at all for the lecture revision today...
feel so guilty whenever the teacher asked me a qns and i nv noe the answer..*kelian de lao shi wor..*
i am glad that i am outside for the whole afternoon...perhaps i have got sick of my empty shell.. for not going to sch for 2 full days..doesnt enjoy school but luv to go ..coz..can kacau my frens:-P
Muahahahaha!!
Haiz...Eileen ar..why are u so stupid???
I was instructed to go buy bread just from my house downstairs..
When i was abt to leave the shop..i saw a $10 note...
REmembeR?? i lost the $50 note??
I just couldnt help but to feel that the $50...will somehow return to me...by all means...>.<
Too naive?? But i believe...somehow..(-_-")
Back to the $10 note..
I picked it up..And Oh My GoD!!how could u be so bluR??
I picked it up...and turned to a person at the shop and asked,"Excuse me...Is this yours?"
That was terrible.. After asking that qns..the Mama shop uncle asked me to pass it to him and i did..>.<
Haiz..I couldnt help thinking of it..i know..If this was told..just like in the past, when i actually see notes on the floor i will pass it to someone instead>.< And if my mum were to know, surely get irritated and blame me for all..=.="
Hahaz..recalling back to the past..I was really a Sotong..That particular period==>>School holidays after my O lv>.< i went to help my KoR to distribute flyers..yeah..he won the entrepreneurship award.(but somehow, this entrepreneur is nv a success..haiz..still haf to think how to recoup the losses..)..and he came up with some kinda of idea..and needed to distribute 10,000copies of flyers every week~(yeah he was the one who paid for the flyers la.)
WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED?? : i was at chinatown then~Yeah..standing there not exactly alone but yesh la one person>.< distributing flyers..LAter after that..we went to door-to-door to distribute the flyers...oh god...i couldnt recall why i was so hardworking..later in the caR..
oh shit..I HAF LOST MY EZ LINK CARD!!>.<
"Did i distribute together with the flyers as well??" *sweat*
My aunt told me,"Aiyo...No wonder your mother never like u to go out de..and always say u r moron...then wad have u lost?? oh my god..money as well..shit..hey..later u tell ur mother then get me involved hor..i noe ur mother so well..she will nag n nag n nag..i cant stand just as u do..Her mouth..forget it..remember dun get me involved hor.."
>.<(sweat)
Yesh..i have help the whole day..what i igot in return was a $50 for helping out..*sis ma..heh..* but..after getting replacement for e z link card, and the note my kor gave me...Nth is EARNED!*sweat*
ahahz..i really want to study le...go to school...really see ppl can be so "ALIEN!!!">.<
i really scared..fear is being instiled..yesh...pressurized too..
hehez..shud end here le ba.. >.< Take carez!!
<(^(oo)^)> OinkZ!
Smile always~
= )
- evileen
Wednesday, October 06, 2004
hehez...= ) Hi all again..
Today is quite a pleasant day...No school..SlacK All DaY!! `HuRRaY`(^_^)
Too lazy to go out even buy lunch...LoLx..
But the RO reload mth carD inspired me to...*evil GriN*
HopefullY..I can BecomE a WiZ By thiS weeK..( '_' )
No mishappenings till now~ GreaT!
A box of choc was passed on to me this very day LoLx YummY!!
But the weather was hoT^_^''
Though I'm known to be a playfuL gaL but *scratch Head* Not exactly la..
Tried to study but nth goes in..
How?? What am I supposed to do?? Someone come and brainwash me?? Lack of memory..I nd a backup hard disk /heh
Yeaps..Precisely..
I luv to indulge myself in the world of RO~
Yeah..Ro is a FantasY world~ wheRe u can vent all ur angeR and everything on the MONSTER!!
hehehe...kelian de monsters..= )
Frankly speaking, i used to be a very "niao" person, when i learnt that Ro nd the payment system i nearly *fainT* <(^(oo)^)> OinkZ!!
But it was my best frens who motivated me to stay on in the gamE~*evil grin*MUAHAHAHAH!!
SO THAT I CAN KACAU THEM!!(>.<)"
Mircroecons...Infa..CIP...Bstats..Which subject to start firsT??
*scratch head*
In the past..mY grP of frens *YUNE*JES*SPY*ME*==>>frm the band..
Whenever it's exam time..while starinG aT thE qnS..thE sound oF musiC enterS mY braiN...
*Persis...Heatherwood Portrait...Lord of the dance..eTc..
And now...It's the BGM of RO!! lolx..
juz cant stop thinkinG of RO all the time..
Maybe i have too little childhooD memorY..Always a frog in the well*jin di zhi wA* ^_^
haha.. can u imaginE?? A person who only permitted to use computeR at secondarY 3..
And now CrazY n insanE abouT gameS, Piano scoreS online..anD programmes anD downloaDs??
And now owned a laptoP solely by heR own..LoLx..thx thx thx..I have not chosen the wrg sch...hehe make it compulsorY to have a laptop personallY..hehez..
I guess that's y my koR noW 21 yrs old le still luv to kacau me, throw my beaRs..and wadeveR to me at one go..*sigh* Oh goD!! like a ZOO!!(-_-")
He only threw some..eg, Big Brown Bear*hehe looks like the bigfoot in RO* GReen Dino, ElephanT..,2 doGs..all these weightages are more than enuff to spoil my laptop keypad(-_-")
hahaz..But wad's life?? Frens hahaz gana shocked when one of u asked===>>"Are u alright?" after reading my bloG..yeah..I'm fine really.. Come on..there's always ups and downs in life..= )
Even though since young..dunno why ppl luv to set me up...dun reallY noe their motive..*maybe i look that type very easy to bullY??*but..i jolly well noe that those ppl are meant to bring misery into other ppl's life..Yesh..terrible to be victimised each n every day..but wad to do?? ==>>Be happie!! Dun let them get into ur waY! The greatest strength of yourS is ur greatest weakpoint!! Dun let them see thru ur vulnerable areas..and they will be unable to exploit u using tactics of psychological warfare*swt..lolx..these terms...hehe i was once a literature studentz forgotten???*= )
SEE??I sound like a greaT sainT eh? hehe...i *bhb*lolx..^_^
Ku Gua can also try to be a kaixin guo..
I not not sad for most of the times(but disappointed~)..juz that i really pray and hope that *some ppl* (dun metion names) will really live their life. Dun always dwell upon upon the past.Hehe i am one eg la..but it's all inherited loR..lolx..and also..most importantly dun try hard hard to make the other ppl sad..
Think positive: It's easier to be sad than happy..So why not bring joy into other ppl's life and make them smile?? ^_^
Live life to the fullest..
Cherish each and every day as if it was your last...
Ren Sheng Duan Duan....
Zhuo Ren Hum Hum....^_^
Life is shorT...Live happie!!
Smile Always...= )
- evileen
Tuesday, October 05, 2004
I feel like a dog..sometimes..I don't feel like a human at all. Why? It's because I am always controlled by people...or rather..I am just a robot..>.<
I don't think people can live my life...Every single day, many unhappy things will happen to me. even i stay at home the whole day, or i go out, i will encounter some mishap.
Example: ==>>Loss of $50 note
Poor gal liao le. Lend.Donate.Give.And lost money!! If only strike toto...will be as accurate..>.<
I feel that i am a pet dog because i will always be manipulated.
introduction: The dysfunctional family
settings: Home
chaR: ME of coz>.< Papa Mama idiotic bro x2
Prob1: ==>>always gana bullied by the 2 idiots, tried to scream to ward demons off..but attempts always failed. Ended up: i get slapped, pinched, mocked at, scolded by "the" mother>.<*always use the finger point at my face EEEEEEeeeee!! then sometimes so wet!! REally touched my face!
Prob2==>>till now, the idiots die die also dun tok to each other at all..For gdness sakE! For yearS dint tok! Ended up: I be messengeR loR! always nd me to pass msg here n there, i am not theiR slave>.< then anyone in that house who had cold waR, then fall up wif each otheR, then turn to me!! and ask me to pass msg...haiz..really tired of this..ONE QNS, ONE ANSWER, ONE QNS, ANSWER...blah~
Then now got the namecards nd to be printed..Then wah lau, I reallY wan to die!! ALways sms me, phone me, wadeveR! >.< make me really tired..the designs..numbers..emails..no. of boxes..the layout..WASTE OF MY TIME!!*note: waste of time coz i always landed up getting reprimanded, jam my com..
Prob3: Ppl luv to set me up. Then all the blame push to me. My god..I am only one person..HOw to deal all ??the "mother" always try to act "gentle" &" FairY" infront the eyes of the "father"..
Always ask me to fold the clothes, sweep floor, blah~ ( but i dun have initiative)
Then always pin point me when the chores is not done. There she will come again..The wet finger pointing and touching my face..then gonna use the skill "SlaP!!" again..>.<
Prob4: money issue..
Not really counted as a prob..but..*scratch head* $$ is really important..
LEt me briefly tell u a story..
A geR after O lv, Went to work as a retail AssisT. in the shop named "POPULAR"..
She got her salarY..Yeah~
Frm the first day of work...She went wif heR bro to the banK and set up a bank saving account..
She took $100 out of her own..And put it as deposit..
YEsh..she's sotong..She dunno anything at all..even the password..she asked the bro,"WAD password haR??"
He din tell heR wad to put as pw, but the "gal.." really stupid *audience u can scold heR*
She told him heR account No.!!the password..
HE acted as if he dun care...trying to be "trustworthy.."
But it 2004 june holidaes..The sch is abt to open..(poly)
She got heR pay slip everything..she nv touched her atm card at all..(coz kept by the mum)
*she noe the amt shud be of a certain value*
But..When she raised the issue abt buying the laptop..
She realised..when she got her bank book from the mum,
It was SUCH A WIDE DIFFERENCE APART!!
She was dumbfounded...She cried.."WHY??"
She noe the answer..But this ger always like to act "BLUR" but not that really sotong de la..
She was kept in the dark..abt the money being drawn every month..*bear in mind...she hadnt even touched the ACCOUNT!!*
She approached the brother, and asked,"What have u done?"
OH gOD!! IT WAS ThousandS being drawn!!!
The parents later learnt of the incident..but they also blamed the girl for her stupidity..
"U shudnt have..."
But wait..Any idea why the girl will give the pw??
It was mere trust that she's willing to give her pw juz like this..
She thought the brother could be someone who to be trusted..
She was sad..that time...the cousin msg her..
And he learnt of the issue..
Dunno when...but somehow one particulaR day~ He called heR brother..
AND SCOLDED HIM!!*well..err..the ger only noe this when the brother try to find fault with her and told her he was scolded by someone who is younger than him!!Amenz..why that cousin hoR..>.< so brave as to..SCOLD HIS ELDER COUSIN?
The parents was told by the brother..that even the cousin noe le..
"WAD??!! u JINX!! WAD ON EARTH HAF U TOLD HIM? OMG..THE WORLD WILL NOE!! WAD U THINK U R TRYING TO DO??TO BRING SHAME UPON US?"`=.=
*she meant no enil intention...juz a slip of the tongue..*
That period of time..
The girl was really in depression..(she was slapped wadever~ abused *be it called*)
The laptop issue was nv raised up..
till one day..hehe*secret*(sorrie for this part)When There is miracle...
The laptop was bought.
By the parents.
She was so glad!!
can anyone feel the joY?
She was so happie...that one day when she returned home..she nearly broke down into tears..
She was really touched...
There, She is now using the Compaq V1000 Presario model *the latest model* = )
hehe..alot of probs rite?? but..there's still more..is beyond words...*here is only some examples*
This girl sounds sad uh??
Her workplace..Her frens..say she looks like cartoon..
She always appear to be happie..
But no one really noe wad's going on around her in fact..
Some called heR "Mickey mouse..,Kai Xin Guo??"...But her true self is juz a introvert..a *ku Gua*(bittergourd)
Yeah~The next time when u see heR really see heR smile..i muz really take my hat off u le ..
coz..U ..light up heR lifE anD brighteN uP heR daY!! = )
Hehe thx alot for those who brought heR go Gai Gai today~...That Foutain was GREAT!! hehe...juz feel like quenching my thirst juz by putting my mouth in the middle there...hehe..
Try to crack more jokes wif me ba..Coz i dun crack jokes at home. so next time dun say??===>>"Hey huimin..Can u sit another table? Coz i noe i will laugh my head off!!" "ERm..Try to stop amazing me for a moment???CAn u do it?? : -P"
Smile always...(dun be like the girl hoR)=that's me alright.
- evileen
Hahaz..It has been quite some time since i have been intending to write a blog..= ) Since young..I have adopted a habit of keeping a small diary with a lock= ) Hahaz..but ever since I've reached secondary school i have stopped writing le.. The booK consistS oF hehez..thE grudgeS, hatreD, confusioN, and of course.. sadnesS.. alL compiled in thaT booK!! LoLx.. Now.. Because too much things is happening at once..Hence, I've decided to record it down..All the grudges or whatever..*in case i gana AlzheimeR* And also don't always bottom up things to myself..Because I'm introvert..I shall continue to write my encounterS in dailY lifE ba..
~To be updated..lateR..~
- evileen