Sunday, April 08, 2007
Sometimes.. i really wonder, why do i exist in this place, why am i on earth? Somewhat i feel that, after graduating from poly, my life has started to become even more disastrous.
I feel that people are expecting alot hell out of me. Wants me to get a job, to earn money, study. It's not that i dont want to get a job or whatever. I had 4 jobs in the past. I dont like people stressing on me like this. I want to get a job. I need money. I want to further my studies, thats for sure.
Every single day, i feel like a prisoner. It wasnt like this at first. Ever since i have stopped going to school, I really didnt mind doing house work for mom. But i just couldnt understand what people really want. Lets say for instance, i have swept the floor, after a few minutes, she would ask, "Oh thats so fast?", "Sweep again, i dont think its clean.", " YOU CHEE BYE, sweep floor also like that *snatches the broom from me sometimes when i was sweeping*"
Then when i finally sat down at my desk. Reading some blogs, or interesting websites, watching youtube or reading job advertisements to get an approximate idea of how much i should be getting for a job, i always get accused for playing. Even when im chatting, "Only know how to play, come and hang the clothes." (though i have no idea, why i have to clothes like at night, does anyone do that? o.O)
When im actually interested in playing some new songs that i have heard on the keyboard, she would, "STOP DAN DAN DAN THAT THING, WILL GET A PRIZE IF YOU PLAY WELL OR WHAT?? YOU THINK YOU'RE REALLY THAT GOOD??"
(-_-) I have never claimed myself to be good or even normal. But that kinda hurted me. They never like what im doing.
Even when i have started to do something about getting a job, almost every morning i get scolded. Ok, i dont really believe that my mom --> said that my dad scolded me for this and these. Because, she likes to put words into people's mouths, especially mine -.-
I went for the first interview on last tues. The employer's face features and expressions, tells me that "He's a meanie". And i was right. "So.. what has these skills got to do with accounting?" And he actually stared at the salary im expecting xDxD. And asked, "Are you responsible if theres work undone, and you stay behind to finish them?" I said yes, but regrettedly. "I dont pay OT" -.- "you have to work on saturdays half day, is that ok?" xD Its not very of me to say no >< although i dont really like the requirements. Coz i was really desperate in getting any jobs (of coz decent ones la) He said if i were to be selected he would tell me by wednesday most probably. And then, i dont receive anything on wednesday (xD was kinda happy), till thursday i got a msg from the employer, "Can you tell me when is the earliest you can start work?" I wasnt sure how to reply, coz i kinda hate the work he's expecting me to do if i were to be employed. Customerservice + Accounts + Purchasing = FOR JUST THAT AMOUNT OF MONEY? That's like 3 person's job. A customer service assistant would have easily gotten anyone a $1400-$1700 a month. Account assistant = $1600 (market rate) For purchasing clerk i dont know yet xD
And so, i will look forward to the interview on monday o.O though its low pay, but the job scope is quite easy. And its a mnc. Super near my house too!! =DD
Keep blaming me for not finding a job, and yet asking me to do so many things, and lile whenever something bad happens, they will point their finger
ONLY at me.
--- Random Situation No. 1---
That day they went to cementary to pay respects for the ancestors? then i was woke up by my mom at 6am to watch the joss sticks burns till its done, and then i went back to sleep. My mom has warmed the pot of curry that she has cooked, when i woke up again it was still very hot. And i dont know why she warm it again when she's back (when its warm ><) I was watching a film on youtube with earphones on. So i couldnt hear what my mom was saying. Didnt know she is warming the pot of curry again. And then after a while, i got scolded by my father. "Eh, play play play only la, all you know is play. The curry cooked you also never go and turn off the stove" (-_-) For all i know, my 1st brother was standing right at the stove, and i cant understand why he pointed the blame at me, and he himself was walking around the house doing nothing as well -_- .
Do you feel the injustice here?
*anyway, i dont have a english speaking family, they speak hokkien or chinese most of the time*
xD it can be really funny when my mom ask me about a word,
her: what is this word?
me: value
her: what is value?
me: jia zi ( in chinese)
her: then what is jia zi???
me: value lor!!!
I really cant think of another word to explain that. Like air. Air is air. You cant see air, but its there. Its hard to explain =\
---Random situation no. 2---
1st brother is going for a overseas business trip again, wanted to buy a new luggage and he didnt take measurements for the size before he went out. He called home, and i passed the phone to mom. She suddenly took the measuring tape thingy and she placed her finger at one point of the ruler and asked me how much is it. I read exactly where she pointed at, "53 cm"
Then when father returned home she asked him to measure, "47cm" -_- He called 1st brother and then when 1st brother came home. He starts blaming people. (btw, we dont talk at all)
And then, he measures himself, and compare it with the new luggage. and he said to my mom, "its 47 and you say 53"
mom: I asked eileen to help me see she say is 53cm
(i only read the measurement anyway)
him: Measure alsol dont know how to measure.. what kind of education does the person have
mom: She helped you to see hor
him: Maybe she gives you the figures she sees from her computer screen
me: DONT EVER ASK ME TO HELP IN ANYTHING THAT IS ASSOCIATED WITH HIM EVER AGAIN
---
I hate this type of attitude man. I've regretted for so many things. Ha! When i wanted to give a treat it was my 2nd brother's birthday, then i asked my 2nd brother to go and buy( but he returned me half the money anyway), then when mom asked, "Can i keep some for the 1st brother too?" I SHOULD HAVE SAID NO. Coz my 2nd brother also didnt like it too. (He grumbled to himself and said, "So when did he ever share his?" ) But i said yes. >< Or like when i buy something, he gets a share of it. (Still had the mindset that, "We're a family afterall) BUT, like right after yesterday, I felt that my help for all the times werent appreciated at all, and i dont give a damn to anything to anything that is associated with that brother anymore.
I felt so much hatred suddenly =(( hates so much about everything.
---
And talking about birthdays.. tmr is mom's. And brother is going to give her a treat at some place. But have to wait for me first.
Kinda envy those people who actually celebrate birthdays. In the past, i love to countdown to my own birthday. Like look at the clock and wait for 12am and hops around excitedly to tell my brother, "ITS MY BIRTHDAY SO WHAT ARE YOU GETTING ME?!" And he will just give you a laughter as present.
And now, when its my birthday, i will just hope the day will quickly passes, coz who would fucking care if its my birthday =DD Its now just a date to me that indicates, the start and ending of a a number of which is the age.
Like for example, "Ohhhh~~~ Im going to be 20, End of 19!!!"
- evileen