Thursday, October 28, 2004
Yoyo..check it out..
(>.<)*here typing..i can feel the pain of my 'somehow-broken fingers' coz the pain was so excruciating as that of a broken finger.*
Staying at home every single day, all i could do is only rot.
To me, everyday is like a nitemare, when will it ever end~
Perhaps...that's the reason why i dun watch horror movies so often these days..staying at home is more of a horror for me..
I dunno wad happened to her...POSSESSED???OR HER SCREW HAS TURNED LOOSE?? or was it..me..that really drive her insane?
i really dunno wad i have done..i have no idea..I hates to go out. Coz..$$ has to be spent.
I would feel guilty if i were to spend money juz like that if i have not work hard for anything at all..And staying in that nothing but empty shell..was really horrible..I really hate it~
Things has started to turn worse ever since my holidays has juz started..She was alredi weird enuff...and now..She is more eccentric as compared to the past..Yesh...she did used violence...but that's not the part that i really cared..it's..her insanity..i was wondering.."Was it insanity or is it that she's suffering frm depression??"But...wait..wad depression is there?? I nv fail my tests..i nv do anything that is astrocious..BUT WAD??
I shed tears not for the physical pain that she has given to me, but the pain that is within my heart~ Is she really my mum?? What am i supposed to do?? How can i help her or defend for myself?
I noe one of the reasons why she hated me to the core...is i used too much laptop??Play the games too long?? But other than this, wad more can i do? i couldnt play keyboard all the time..I will dozing off if i start reading a book..
Yeah~ i muz admit..There's a period that i really have suspicions and doubts of whether she is my real mother. becoz..2 bros->'O' type blood, the 2 parents-->both 'A' type blood...And me???I am 'B' type blood!!Yeah...that was alredi in the past..That was the time when i tested my blood during the process of making an IC.
I tried to stay away frm home..Yes..go to my frens' house. But it was still early..and there comes the arrival of her vulgarities and 'chee byes' on the phone..and" U'RE GONNA GET IT WHEN U'RE BACK!" , or psycho my dad to raise his voice at me.. he wasnt like this in the past..
he used to shield me alot..give me dolls or wadever..or rather..in another phrase..he used to dote on me really alot..but now..the way he look at me..was those kind of look as if he has saw a monsta..
2nd attempt to stay away frm that empty shell or 'hellish place':
find a job~
after i told her abt the job i intend to take on. She had alot of qns. Yeah that was normal..But as to forbidding me to do any jobs..That was really out of the qns..that's very unreasonable and demanding of her..My bills??Will she pay for me??I am not like those kids..whose papa n mama give them wadever amt they wan..pay their bills, let them be carefree..that's "dream-on" n "fat hope" for me.My specs..Router..and most of the stuff?? i pay my own!
there is a line..which my bro said..to defend for himself.."U think U R THOSE PARENTS AROUND?? GIVING THEM $600 A MONTH?? SPEND ON WADEVER THEY LIKE? NO! U R NOT! U THINK U R DOING ALOT BUT NO! FOR UR CHILDREN, THEY CAN ONLY SPEND WAD THEY HAF! WAD CAN WE DO? SPEND WAD WE EARN! WE R NV DEMANDING ANYTHING FRM U..AND U R ..."
Juz a word frm u , and u will get a slap. No word, also a free tight slap.
Everyday was the same..U wake up early..sweep the floor.
If still sleeping, a ferocious GODZILLA will come and wake u up.
yeah..of coz..u wake up being speechless..u dun tok eh?
But wad? She alredi started scolding out of the blue..raking the past..predicting the faults that u r definiely not gonna to make...and started laying a finger on U!
Oh GosH! She's really more than a monsta..No one can really beat her for dat...No acting is required..And the OSCAR AWARD for the godzilla part~ is solely heRs..
Having done nth is a mistake. Do sth she will nag at u for those 'predicted-faults'
Sometimes of those unreasonable tight slaps..u will feel like giving her one in return.
but wad would be the circumstances?
->Ur Arms Will Be choppeD Off!!
So i decided not to touch her at all.
Having a consideration of hiring a part-time killeR?
>.<
I'd had enuff of her.. i juz wanna it end..
She even said that she nv regard eileen as her daughter."If i can give birth to u, i can kill u as well."
Me also likewise.. = )
Either i perish` or u die..
I wish i nv had stepped on this world at all~
Then i would nv noe that the world is darK...
At least preserve some mysteries of the eartH...
And make it unknown..
I've decided..
thank u for wad u have done to me= )
like all children of the parents..
They will give back their parents in return wad their parents gave to them..
I shall remember...u...even till the daY that i die..
I WILL GIVE U DOUBLE of wad u haf given to me>.<
As ur reward...Juz sit bacK and relaX..and watcH ouT..
And dun worry..ur "rewards" will come to u ...someday..
~SmilE AlwayS~
*How to look on the brighT side of life when the world is always so dark...*
- evileen